I’m writing this to tell you congrats.
I’m waving the white flag.
You have taunted relentlessly
I’m holding the object of destruction
Tightly in my hand
My body is welcoming what’s next
The feeling of release
That sick dark contentment
Those late nights you kept me up
Have finally worked for you
My mind is tired
My soul is weak
My heart is heavy
The tears have dried
But you were stronger
You came out on top.
I bow my head to you
I take a deep breath
A smile comes across my face
I know the end of it is here
Finally I’ll get some solace
I’ll find peace in my goodbye
As I sit here and press the blade
Against my cold clammy skin
The endorphins come rushing in
As the crimson liquids runs out
It’s only a matter of time now
I close my eyes.
Congratulations, you beat me down.
*just to clarify this does not necessarily reflect how I am feeling at the moment but rather how I have felt before.
So today I’m going to share a story about that happened to my youngest tiny human. She is 11 years old. She had been telling me over the course of the year about how this boy at school was making her uncomfortable with sexual innuendos. Like making comments about “banging” girls, touching her leg as he passed by, showing her and others very inappropriate memes. One one the girls finally spoke up to school administrators and an in school investigation was started. They began by asking any girl that was affected by this student to write it down. There were 8 of them. 8…. Seriously…
*Keep in mind I encouraged my daughter to speak up several times and believe they should feel comfortable in doing so, but not forced to do so. So please do not think that I just sat back and did nothing. I am very open with my kids about coming to me for anything and frankly, they do. I also feel that I shouldn’t force them to say or do anything they aren’t comfortable with (i.e. going to the teachers about this). She wanted to stand up herself but it was getting to be a distraction with her schooling*
I will follow up as the story progresses
With all of that said my first reaction when I heard of all this was that I wanted to choke this bastard who has been making my child and other children uncomfortable in an environment that should be focused on education. Next thought was that I would like to slap the little bastard’s parents for raising such a little shit head. But alas, I am a fairly rational person so those initial reactions have somewhat subsided for the time being.
So in a previous post I spoke about mental health and the stigma behind it. So for this post I decided to get a bit more person with it and tell my story.
From the time I was a kid I can remember being sad. I can remember how I would have days where it took all of me to just smile and laugh. It didnt happen too often, but it was definately there. I also told myself it was because of the domestic abuse that was occuring between my parents. I just figured any kid in my situation would feel that way so I never really spoke about it. But when I got to be about 15 I noticed how my bad days seemed to overpower my good days. I noticed how some really dark thoughts would come into my head. I would usually just try and shake them off but they would hang out in the back of my mind. I would tell myself that every teenager was going through the same thoughts and feelings. It wasnt until I had actually pushed the knife down into my wrist and saw the blood coming out that I realized this darkness had a hold on me and I needed help fighting it. Thankfully I had pretty great parents (my mom had remarried a few years earlier and I had a wonderful step dad). I was able to tell my mom about how I was feeling and she suggested we talk to the dr about getting a script for anti depressants. Obviously being a teenager I was scared about this and scared people would find out and judge me and think I was crazy. My mom assured me that nobody even had to know. So there I was at 15 and taking my first (of many) anti depressants. Being a stubborn and inpatient teenager I was annoyed that they did not work magically the moment I took them, but eventually I started noticing I had more energy and didnt feel so panicky all the time. Then life struck, I found myself pregnant at 17. There wasnt too much literature about taking anti depressants while being pregnant so my dr let me choose whether or not to stay on them. I decided for my sake and my child’s sake that I should stay on them and keep my sanity. Fast forward and months before my 18th birthday I became a mom. Then months later I graduated high school. Then I became a single mother working a full time job and attending college full time. I didnt have time to think about being depressed. I didnt have time to let my mind wonder to the dark place. I had to grow up quickly. I had a whole nother person depending on me. I did this for about a year and ignored the cracks that were starting to show up. I figured if I just kept on chugging through I would be okay. Wrong. Boy was I ever wrong. One night my daughter was at her Nana’s for the evening and I decided that I would have a few drinks. Well those drinks let all the darkness in. It let it in quickly. I started to feel everything at once. I started to feel literally everything. It overwhelmed me. I wanted this overwhelming feeling to stop. My brain decided it had an idea of how to get me there. There sat my anti depressants. Well if one helps me on a regular basis then a whole bottle of them had to work on this emptiness I was feeling. So I took them… all. I used the vodka I was drinking to help wash them down. I just wanted to sleep and not feel this way anymore.
So it’s the new year! Yay right? That means tons of resolution posts and everyone talking about what they plan on doing differently. You know, the old “I’m gonna work out more! Eat healthy! Say yes more! Say no more! Be nicer! Save money!” But come on how many people stick with it for more than a week…a month… maybe 2 months??? Every year I tell myself I’m going to use my gym membership more then wait for it, life happens. I work night shift so my schedule is upside down (I get it that’s an excuse).
^I say that to my kids all the time. Haha.
So you’re probably thinking “okay well what is this person trying to say?” My answer: who the hell knows. But seriously don’t get yourself all caught up with the feeling of needing to stick to a resolution. If you want to go to the gym more, then do it. If not that’s your choice too! If you want to be a nicer person well then stop being an asshole! Voila! Haha.
Me? I just want to continue being a good mom, a good (ish) person, and well maybe some gym in there too. But I’m not setting a goal by date or limitations. I’m just gonna do me. ❤🖤
Did you feel That?
That sensation in the pit of your stomach
That unsettling but amazing feeling
Like drinking champagne too fast
And the bubbles hit your stomach
And you get that fizzy moment
That moment of giddiness
That delightful fun moment
Where it seems all is right
You can do anything
You can be anyone
Wait, it just dissipated.
So I know some of my posts may be a bit heavy as far as talking about mental health and depression but it’s not to bring anyone down, it’s just to get it out. To show others you are not alone. You may feel that you are but that is not the case. You are more than your bad days. You are your good days, your okay days and you’re terribly shitty days too. You are your moments of weakness, your moments of utter despair but you’re also your moments of complete and utter power and strength. You are the moments where it takes every ounce of strength you have to get out of bed in the morning, but you’re also those moments of tremendous energy. You are strong, you are able, you are enough.
Emotions flood my mind
Trying to make sense of it all.
The harder I try
The deeper my mind falls
Stuck in this loop
Just wondering where to go
How to break this cycle
Of repeating it all over and over
Over and over
And over again
It grips a hold of me
Constricting with every move I make
Squeezing it’s hold on me
Refusing to budge
So I give up trying to sort it all
My mind goes numb
I drift into the abyss
Sinking deeper and deeper
Just when I think I’ve reached solace
Some piece of calm and tranquil
My heaviness of it all comes back
Hitting me like a ton of bricks
Smacking me piece by piece
Reminding me there is no peace
There is no solace
There is no escape
People often shy away from a topic that needs to be addressed here. Mental health. The minute someone hears the words “mental health” they start thinking of someone curled in a ball in the corner talking to themselves, or perhaps a throwaway from society that is just screaming at everyone. Movies and tvs give us these images. They show people with mental health issues being locked up in a padded room so they cant harm any of the “normal” individuals of society. I mean seriously why should the normal ones have to deal with these crazies, right??? But let’s get real about mental health. I am willing to bet that you know people that are dealing with mental health issues and you were not even aware. That’s right, someone you know and love is probably dealing with something to do with mental health. Gasp! The crazy part is they are just roaming around in society trying to act normal and blend in! Gone are the days of throwing crazies away into institutions. So what does this mean? Well I hate to break it to you but it means there is no “normal”, there is no “crazy”, what there is is humans. Humans dealing with a whole bunch of different emotions.
I myself am one of those people that are walking around trying to fit into society and seem like I belong. Hi, my name is Tasha and I have been dealing with depression most of my life. I have tried to commit suicide and am still here. I have been at the lowest of low with feelings. I have fantasized about my death. I have wondered what it would feel like. I have put serious thought into how I would go about it. I have held the knife up to my skin numerous times. I have held bottles of medication against my lips while my brain tells me to just do it. I have thought about what would happen if I just veered off the road. I have had all these thoughts on several occasions. I also am still here. I have survied all those moments of weakness. Those moments of dark gloom hanging over my head. Moments of death begging me to join it. But I am still here. I survived that moment. Does this all mean that I should be labled as “not normal”? Does it mean I should just be locked away from society? Does it mean I am a bad person or a bad mother or a bad wife? My mental illness does not define me. I am more than it. I am more than my bad days. I am also my mediocre days where everything is okay. I am my great days where everything is wonderful! I am those days that people dont actually know that I am struggling inside. Where it takes every single ounce of strength inside of me just to smile. It takes me yelling at myself to get out of bed even. It takes an internal struggle just to do every day things. It doesnt mean I dont want to do these things, it just means it takes a little more energy to get going than it would on one of my easier days. Do I wish that I didnt have to deal with that? Hell yes. But it makes me who I am. It makes me want get the word out even more about suicide awareness and mental health.
So in this post I figured I would do the vain thing and talk about, well, me. I will write about 5 things that make me Me.
- I am a mother of 2 tiny humans who happen to be girls and who also happen to not be so tiny anymore at ages 11 and 14.
- I became a mother at the age of 17 (yes it was not planned, no I wouldnt change it for the world bc I got lucky and blessed with my amazing child and got to meet her sooner in life).
- I have studied psychology and am a huge advocate for mental health awareness and suicide awareness. I have been through them myself and just hope to be a voice for those who feel they dont have one.
- I grew up in a tiny tiny tiny small town in Northern New York. No, not buffalo. Not Syracuse. Keep going up north until you just about hit Canada and you shall find my hometown(s).
- I have a cat. We call her Nina the Ninja and quite frankly she thinks she is the cat’s meow. I plan to have a pug. I want one that has a slight underbite and shall name him Pugsley Pugglesworth. So if you know of any then get back to me 😉
So with those fun facts I shall wrap up this exciting post 🙂
Bonus: I am obsessed with octopuses. They are just the coolest animals and extremely underappreciated.
It started out so normal
Holding hands walking together
Laughing and enjoying life
Where did it all go wrong?
Was it the first time he said to shut up
Was it the first time he refused to answer your call
Was it the first time you found those messages
Was it the first time he smacked you
Perhaps it was the first time he called you ugly and fat
Maybe it was when he shoved you to the ground
Was it when he held the knife to your throat and called you worthless
Maybe just maybe it was when he used you like a punching bag
And all you kept thinking while this downhill was happening
was hoping it would go back to normal
But maybe, just maybe that was your normal
The cursing, the hitting, the drinking, the lying, the cheating
that was your normal
Was it all your fault for staying there?